i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
