And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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