If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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