Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
