**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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