I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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