I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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