someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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