What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
