What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
