i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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