sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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