So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
