Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
