No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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