On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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