God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
