remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
