I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
