i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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