I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
