If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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