His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
