Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
