My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
