True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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