i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize