dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I intend to get homeless drunk
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
