u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
