He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Enjoy the penises
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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