Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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