I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize