Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
