i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
