I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
