Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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