Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
