matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
