i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
