My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
