highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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