Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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