sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
