Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
