I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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