I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
