did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
