I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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