the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
