A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
