Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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