Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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