Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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