Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
