my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
