I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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